A lot of the time I wish I wasn't me for many reasons (I'm fairly convinced that if I wasn't me and I was someone else that I wouldn't like me), but I'm going to detail a few below.
My life is very stressful; and, most of these stresses I create myself. So, I was thinking, what my life would be like if I could let go of some of my qualities? For the most part, I am fairly proactive. I'm a leader. I'm an overachiever. I'm a workaholic. But what would happen if I wasn't these things? Could I honestly live with myself if I wasn't? There are also qualities that I know I have that I see in other people. And to be honest, some of these people really irritate me because of these very qualities, so much so that spending more than a few minutes is all that I can handle. That's not very Christ-like. I just hope that the qualities that I and these people share I am less irritating with...This is not the point of this particular post so I won't belabor it. Just a thought, we'll call it Pre-Point #1.
Anyway. What if I wasn't me? What if I was someone who followed, who didn't try to get all A's, who just lets things happen and goes with the flow? The problem is I have high expectations and for the most part don't settle for mediocrity, and I tend to expect those same things from other people. Which means I can't be those things above; it would stress me out even more! I don't trust people to do a good job, to follow up on their word, to try their best. I want to try hard, but I keep getting burned by people and have developed this constant need to micro-control or at least mostly control everything. I know that's not the right attitude to have about work (especially in groups), but I don't do well with thinking any other way. Ok, I think I'm finished with point #1 because at this point I still don't know what to do about that.
Point #2. (Confession time: I actually had point #3 for the longest time until I realized that 3 doesn't follow 1...) Awhile back I decided to give up on expectations/promises from people (I'm talking years ago). However, last week at church Pastor Ben talked about salvaging your family and about being generous with praise and cautious with your promises. He said that we put hope in promises, we build our lives and dreams around promises. I fear that I'm letting expectations and promises creep on me again, and I desperately don't want my hopes and dreams dashed again. I don't know what to do about that either.
Finally, Point #3 (because I need to sleep and I like the #3, not because I don't have more things to talk about (honestly, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with how much I think, it's ridiculous)). I feel God opening my eyes to a lot of things. Things going on in the world, my floor, myself, etc, and it's hurting. It's making me feel lost and powerless and thinking that going back to lip servicing sounds like a great idea. Obviously, I know it's not and that I would be severely ashamed of myself if I didn't do all I could for God. And that's about all I've got right now. Bedtime.
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